Introducing….me! (Again!)

Hello! I hope you found your way here okay, it’s freezing outside init?

Well, welcome (back!) to my blog – It really has been a while! I have dusted the cobwebs off this blog and have given it a new spring clean for I have returned! I have come back to reignite my hobby of writing once more!

I have come realised recently, that I have truly missed the therapeutic release that comes with writing creatively and being able to express myself freely online. I have missed being able to create stories using my weird (and wonderful!) imagination; to express my emotions about situations that I have been in whether it was a joyous or a difficult event; and to have a space where I can freely reflect on how my life has been, how my life is now and how my life is going to be and what lessons can I learn from my experiences.

I used to write back in 2013 and I even had a separate blog called ’That Mad Muslimah’ until my anonymity was compromised by a fellow student at University and I had to take the blog down. I was suffering from depression and the people from the Muslim community started to mock and laugh at what I had written about when the news spread about my identity. I had two choices at this point; to fight them or to walk away. Given that I was so far in the pit of depression I decided to delete the blog and go into hiding – I just need to get better. After I had recovered from the depression and made some massive lifestyle changes, life with all its beauty, just got in the way again. This is why I created this blog to try and kick-start my passion once again but life decided that it wasn’t a priority and pushed it to one side. So, I have taken the opportunity to use Blogging 101 in 2015 to start again, a new leaf as it were.

So that is my life narrative so far! I really hope that I carry on writing in the 2015 and I hope you’ll join me on this adventure to.

To the new readers that have joined please let me introduce myself – I am an individual who wishes to reignite my passion for writing and to reflect and learn about my life which others can benefit from to. I want to use as platform to raise awareness about issues that are passionate about and where I can educate people who don’t know about certain topics such as mental health stigma. This is just a rough idea of what this blog is going to be about.

And that’s it really! My goal is like I said before to right throughout 2015 and I really do have that you will join me throughout this adventure don’t forget, below anti-and click the like button (thing you have to if you want to doe! :P)

The Day That Time Stood Still – A Short Story

Alarm bells were ringing. My heart was racing. My hands were trembling. I couldn’t breathe. I felt nauseous. My body when into complete shutdown mode as my brain tried to process what just happened.

My daughter is dead

I sat there paralysed as I tried to come to terms with what had just happened. No words can describe the horror that was brewing within my heart. It felt like yesterday I gave birth my first born. As she lay there in my arms that day, I had sworn to protect her with my life and no harm would come to her. Today I let her down. Today, she has gone.

‘Can you repeat what you have just said…please?’

‘I am sorry to inform you that your daughter had died last night in a car accident….’

I couldn’t listen.

I couldn’t bear to hear it one more time.

This had to be a mistake.

Icy cold air flooded the room like a waterfall and the atmosphere was soul sucking. It was as if I was alone. Darkness surrounded me in the dark chamber where my heart used to be. It felt like time stood still and daily activities halted at the news. Slience. All I had left was silence. There was nothing to say, nothing can be said. Not anymore.
They were just looking at me, waiting for me to say something. They had sympathy in their eyes. They sat there patiently while I was processing the information again and again and again. I couldn’t get his voice out of my head. I couldn’t wake up. This was a reality. This was real. She is dead.

I stood up. I went upstairs. My feet felt like lead I as I took each step. Any ounce of life that was within me fled. I felt darkness and pain engulf my whole body and left no stone unturned in its wake. As I opened the door to her bedroom the first thing that hit me was her scent. I opened my eyes quickly searching room to see she was in there. She wasn’t. Her room was a mess. The countless times I tried to tell her to clean her room was beyond me but I would do anything to say it to her one last time. As I looked around at her things it felt like she was with me. Half of me wanted her belongings to disappear too – out of sight out of mind as they say. Another half wanted to immerse myself into her belongings wishing she was here again. Wishing she was in my arms again. Wishing she would tell me about her day or that she got into one of her argument with one of her friends again. As I sat on her bed, I looked around once again, I am never going to get her back. Ever.

The world is one mysterious place and life was no different. Death is a fact of life. It will happened to all of us but not while you were still alive. It is every parent’s worst nightmare to revive the news that their child has died, whether it was the first or the 400th. It just feels so cruel. It was as if a little piece of me died along with her. There are days when heaven doesn’t seem so close anymore – today was one of them. Why must life end. She was only 21 for crying out loud! She was just a young girl trying to find her feet in this world. We can scream, shout, demand what happened and re reprimand who was at fault but what is that going to do? Nothing, she is still dead. The only thing I have left of her is memories that I have of her. Her first walk, her first word, her first day in nursery school. These are the moments that matter, there are the things that I will cherish for the rest of my life. I shouldn’t cry about her death I should be happy that she ever had a life. That she made her mark on this earth and I will never forget her. When the funeral is over and everyone she cared about are moving on she will always have a special place in my heart. She is my baby girl and no one can take THAT away from me.

I got up and left the room. As I shut the door, it was as if I was turning back on life. On my old life. Today I had to start my road to recovery. To accept the situation as it is. I couldn’t, how could I? She is my daughter, my own flesh and blood. To accept she has gone would go back on the promise that I made the first day she came into this world. I shut my eyes and count to 10 hoping that this was a nightmare which will end.

 

It doesn’t

 

It never does

 

It never will

The Meaning of Life – The Long Road to Freedom

So, some of you may know that I am participating in the #zerotohero challenge (click this link for more information) and yesterday’s challenge was about explaining what my blog name was about. The short answer is that it is really complicated and philosophical and that I don’t expect you to understand. Here is the long story

Throughout our lives we will go through hardships – this can be definitely guaranteed whether we like it or not and we react in different ways. I believe that hardships are here on purpose to toughen us up or soften us. When we go through a tough time we reflect upon ourselves and our past. We end up asking ourselves ‘what is the meaning of life?’ and ‘why am I here?’ especially when someone close to us has passed away. Something happened to me that made me think these very questions. I was so confused about life and how people can be so horrible and cruel and how I could react in such a horrible way. I thought that I was a nice person and that people where inherently good people and that they would never want to hurt other people. I think this was the reason why I was in such a mess to begin with. I didn’t realise how stupidly naive I was. The while idea of life had changed for me. It took me a long time to come to grips with the events that has just occurred. So, I made an analogy of what I understood was life is now after the traumatic events of the past.

Life is but a very long road and all of us are walking alone. When we are born, we are helpless creatures that need looking after that is where we learn the basics of life and our parents (or careers) teach us. As each year goes past, we slowly learn to become more and more independent though our experiences growing up in the society that we are in. We understand the unwritten rules and the correct way to behave – but that doesn’t necessary mean that we have to follow it.

As we are walking along this path of life hardships will come every direction from horrible weather to bandits coming to attack us to obstacles on the path which prevent us from moving forward. The most important thing is how we react to these problems or dilemmas that has come to our attention. We can’t control what happens to us but we can control how we react to them. This is why I mention at the beginning that on this path we are walking alone. We are only one person, we only know ourselves and we can only control our own actions and behaviour. We cannot blame external forces or pin it on other people for example you cannot say ‘oh he swore at me and that’s why I punched him’ because he doesn’t control you, he didn’t make you punch him – you did that all by yourself. As much as I hate to say it, you can talk and talk and talk till your face turns blue trying to persuade people or make them see sense but you can’t change them. On this path we learn many lessons and have many bad memories. We learn how to cope and we turn to things that will give us comfort though these times e.g. a deity, reason and science to meditation. We learn to say no and we learn to say yes. We learn when the time to admit defeat is and we learn how to fight and when to fight. Through this long walk to freedom we learn to identify people we can trust and who are the enemies (if there is such a thing).

Now, where we walking to, where or what are is our destination. Our destination is freedom. What is freedom – I believe it is being content with our selves. It is the ability to fully appreciate and love ourselves for who we are the good the bad and the ugly. This can definitely be contested, and this is up to you if you agree or not (if you don’t please do comment below this post – I would love to know your opinion). We are walking to something though that is for sure. It could be success or love or destruction – that is completely up to you. We all do (or want) to have a purpose to our lives, we want it to mean something. That is why we are walking – it will take us a while to get to that destination and we will go through the good times and the bad times but we will get there and we will understand then, or die trying.

Now getting to the meat of this, I have named this blog ‘The Long Road To Freedom’ because I am going to document my life story, my road to contentment. This is a space where I can try and figure out what my story is and make an impact on this world. As Iain S. Thomas once said:

“Remember, you are part of a beautiful story that did not start when you were born. As your body cuts through the air, think of only the things that made you smile, the people that made you love, the ideas that made you strong. Remember, those things will never happen again but they cannot unhappen.”

This blog is to discuss my life’s passions, my thoughts and feelings on the most abstract of topics and to raise awareness on issues that only a handful of people actually talk about.

I hope this has made some sort of sense to you and I hope you have an opinion which you are busting to tell me so write a comment below!

Introducing…me!

Greetings fellow reader and welcome to the most confusing, mystifying adventure you will ever have, like, EVER!!!

Sorry, it has been a long time since I have blogged. The last blog I had on wordpress.com I had to take down because of bullies. Now I officially want to remain anonymous so, as some actors and singers do, I am going to have a stage name instead. Stage names sound so glamorous, don’t you think? It like having this secret identity – another life that no one knows about and no one knows about this pastime. I could compare it to like being a spy but the only spies that I know are from M.I high which a CBBC show (kids’ TV) which is incredibly lame. You could almost compare M.I high to the Power Rangers but that’s an insult to the Power Rangers (I am sorry 😢)

Anyway, let me introduce myself. I am Khadijah Malik (it is a working progress) an I am… well, I don’t actually know. I mean of course I know who I am but I don’t know how to describe myself. You have caught me at a time where I am at a crossroads in my life story, trying to work out whether I am doing the right things in life and whether these right things are helping me gain success. The issue here is what do I define as success? Getting a good job? Getting loads of money? Or maybe even having a family? Success is subjective upon the individual who is discussing the topic. This is my issues at the moment. I literally have no idea what success is for me. I don’t know what I want out of this life and what am I going to leave behind when I die. Now, I know what you are thinking – this is some DEEP thinking that I am doing and you are right I am being quite hard on myself because the very definition of success can be changed many times throughout one’s life cycle and it has for many people but…

I don’t know – that’s the problem. I am so confused as to what the hell am I supposed to do with my life. This is the reason I have made this blog. Previously, I had a blog which was going to help become a writer because I had a passion for it but unfortunately that’s where the bullies came in. You would of thought at the ripe old age of 21 people would actually become an adult – this year it has been the complete opposite. Anywhoo, this blog is going to be about my passions for writing as well as raising awardees about topics that I am passionate about, writing short (but completely awesome) stories and just a place where I can write my thoughts down hoping that someone understands and offer me words of wisdom. This blog is going to be wonderfully confusing because I am wonderfully confusing. In my head nothing makes sense but that is how awesome it is. I don’t think life is something that we need to understand or ‘get’ first time but when we take a step back and look it totally, at the whole picture, it becomes almost…

Beautiful

And that’s who I am. One confusingly beautiful person that lives in a world that is full of chaos and destruction and still find time to watch the power rangers (man, I need a life!)

Have fun here, make yourself at home and remember…

The definition of life is what you make it.

(while writing this I think I might of understood what I need to do now, might just write s blog about it)